You Should Be Working: ...but instead you could find yourself a husband.
By Aaron Marchadour
November is in full swing, friends. That means different things for different people. For some, it means you can start playing “All I Want For Christmas Is You” on repeat with no (well...minimal) shame. For others, it means you’re realizing that you’re definitely not ready for those December exams that up until now you had convinced yourself you had SO much time to prepare for. And for many of the singles out there, it means cuffing season is upon us.
Well if you happen to be looking for a man, you’re in luck (sorry to those seeking the ladies –
you’re asking the wrong guy). You can go ahead and give that smartphone a break because
you’re not going to need Tinder – I’m about to hit you with some old school knowledge.
McCall’s magazine, a now extinct women’s magazine, published an extremely helpful guide
back in a 1958 issue titled, “129 ways to get a husband”. I saw this in a public post on Facebook and had to give it a read. It seems 100% legitimate. I have no further questions about its authenticity.
The article is clearly geared toward women but it’s 2018 so I thought it could be useful for a
young single gay man as well. I decided to give a few of the tips a try and detailed my
experience below. Still no husband (yet) but I have 122 more tips to go so I remain hopeful.
Tip #29: When travelling, stay at small hotels where it is easier to meet strangers.
I went one step further and booked a shared room AirBnB for a recent trip. V small. I then
combined with #18 – “Tell your friends that you are interested in getting married. Don’t keep it
a secret” – and made it a point to tell my roommate and hosts multiple times a day that I am
VERY interested in getting married ASAP. My AirBnB rating is now 1.4 stars.
Tip #40: Stand in a corner and cry softly. Chances are good that he’ll come over and find out
TFDL is my usual study spot on campus. It’s quite busy there this time of year, so I thought this
tactic would get some attention there. Well...I did get some attention. One gentleman asked
me if I could “do that on floor one or two.” Another just tapped my shoulder and aggressively
pointed to the sign saying “Quiet Floor”. Chill dude...I’m finding a husband here. No one actually seemed to be concerned about my fake emotional distress. It’s a cruel world out there, people.
Tip #41: Don’t let him fish for your name the next time you meet. None of this “guess who”
Like most people, I used to say “guess who” whenever I met someone new. No one ever
guessed, and I usually got some weird looks but hey, that’s show biz baby. I decided to really
get crazy and start giving my actual name. Conversations seem to be flowing more smoothly
but no instant proposals or anything.
Tip #44: Learn how to bake tasty apple pies. Bring one to the office and let the eligible
bachelors taste it.
Not to brag but I’m pretty skilled in the kitchen so I thought for sure this one would be simple.
Turns out apple pie is a lot more effort than I thought it would be, but I did it. The biggest
challenge came once I got to the office. There was no advice in the article on how to actually
restrict the pie consumption to only eligible bachelors. I made a sign and everything but it
seemed others were helping themselves. “No Susan – stop that. This pie is only for the eligible bachelors.” During my private meeting with HR, I had a hard time explaining my project, and I was told something about “unacceptable office conduct.” They must not have dealt with HR much in 1958.
Tip #55: Take good care of your health. Men don’t like girls[/boys] who are ill.
This one seems pretty logical. I have never actually done what people call a “physical” before so I decided to start there and made myself a doctor’s appointment. 0/10 would not recommend. I was told my drinking was “excessive” and my physical fitness needed “immediate improvement”. Okay Judgy McJudgerson. Sometimes I need a glass (or bottle) of wine to get me through the day. So sue me. I’m here for a husband, not a buzzkill.
Tip #77: Tell his friends nice things about him.
After a recent first date that seemed to go well I decided to give this one a try. I found him on
Facebook after our date (let’s be honest...I had found him before the date) and messaged each of his 834 friends something nice about him. There’s six hours I’ll never get back. Most people didn’t reply (rude). Some people blocked me (ruder). He told me “never to speak to him or his friends again” (rudest).
Tip #115: Rent a billboard and post your picture and telephone number on it.
I bought ad space in one of those rotating electronic billboards on MacLeod Trail. I won’t tell
you how much it cost, but I will say I could only afford to keep it up for 3 days. Thank goodness for student loans amiright? So far no one has called saying they would like to get married. On the plus side, I did get calls from a couple long lost family members with an overseas phone number who said I was the recipient of a large inheritance and that they just needed my bank account information so they could transfer $8 million over. So things might be looking up! Money well spent.
“You Should Be Working” is a recurring feature where I discuss something random I did this
month instead of spending my time doing valuable work. I accept no liability for your declining
grades should you choose to join me in my procrastination